Friday, February 22, 2008

Downer post.

I am, quite frankly, tired of being fat.

There are no two ways about this. I am not just overweight, I am fat. The simple fact is that I gained a lot of weight with my 5 pregnancies (I know y'all are saying WHAT? 5? But you only have 3 kids! - two didn't make it, and please don't tell me you're sorry, it was a long time ago and I'm coping with it). I started doing Weight Watchers a month before I got pregnant with Josie, and I'd lost close to 10 lbs in 4 weeks, which was a step in the right direction - losing it slowly, the healthy way; through diet and exercise. I think I'm going to try and start that back up again. I'm tired of being this big and getting depressed every time I look at clothes in my size. I don't want my kids to be ashamed of their mother around their friends, just because of the way I look. I don't want to be putting my own life at risk because of my weight. I am so unhealthy it's pathetic.

What brought on this realization, you ask? I think about it a lot, but the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back came today. I saw an old friend (Julie C.) out and about in the mall, and I haven't seen her since 1995. She looks terrific - the same as she did in school, but prettier - and I hesitated and didn't say anything to her because I was ashamed of how I looked. The hardest part of all this is going to be getting the exercise in, since I have a 2 year old attached to my hip all day, every day. Before I had her, Jason would watch the older 2 girls and I would speed walk 3 miles at Community Park (we lived within walking distance). He also did not work then, so I had plenty of time to come home from work, give him the kids, and de-stress with my walking and my mp3 player. Now he works and I have no car. =( what to do, short of buying a yoga dvd and attempting it at home?

In other news, we've decided to try a new church - one that has a Saturday service. Tomorrow we're going to try out Northside, and hopefully we'll be happy with it and start going regularly.

As for me, I feel down in the dumps now, even though I had a fan-friggin'-tastic day before I saw my old friend. Now it's time for me to retreat to the den of self-loathing (otherwise known as my bedroom) and re-watch Perfect Strangers in a feeble attempt to cheer myself up. When that doesn't work, I'll pop in my favorite movie of all time (Breakfast at Tiffany's) and snuggle up in my flannel pj's under my down comforter and try to drift into oblivion., that came off way more self-pitying than I wanted it to, didn't it? Those are the breaks, kid...


Karen Hooser said...

I have many things to comment. First...I would love to run into Julie again. We lost touch about five or six years ago....I became a workaholic and missed a move of hers I think....

Second..You know all too well that I have been there with the weight issue. I have managed to maintain a "comfortable, yet still need to lose 10-15 pounds" body for the past few years. It is a daily battle and I have good ones and bad ones. Here's what has worked for me in the past: I try to do things to be healthy and focus on that rather than the weight loss. When I took my mind away from the weight, it became a perk. Good luck with whatever you decide to follow....You can reach your goals!!