on love, in sadness

So my stepdaughter turned 15 today... but she also left us to go back to her mom until next summer. We are all feeling topsy turvy... all very sad. So much sadness. She bawled all the way back to her other families' house (she'll be with them for a day before she flies back overseas). Needless to say, we are not dealing well with her departure. Our family gets to be a complete unit for only 6 weeks out of the year. There's a lot I could say - a lot I want to say - to/about her "other" family... but I won't. In spite of the way things are, I do still pray for them every night to finally wake up and see things as they really are. Praying is all I can do - God has a plan, and I have to trust that He knows what he's doing, even though none of us can understand it.

On top of that, my oldest went to the ER today. Turns out she has bronchitis, strep throat, and a sinus infection... and tomorrow is the first day of school for her and her sister. Fun.

So y'all, I need prayers. lots of prayers. So does my poor husband... because if it's this hard for me, a stepmother, I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for him to have to watch his child leave. I just wish that other people would be more understanding.

Utterly Frustrated

I am at my wits' end, literally. I have been in my daughter's room cleaning for five hours today and still am only halfway done. there are so many more things that need to be done in my house and I am completely frustrated. I broke down and cried like a baby tonight while the kids were outside and couldn't see me and wouldn't know. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about anything. I feel so lonely and crappy right now. I know it will pass eventually because whenever I feel like this it always does, but for right now that's how I feel.

I need a vacation from my life, I guess. Normally I think that my life is pretty great, but this is one of those days when things smack me around a little.

Downer post.

I am, quite frankly, tired of being fat.

There are no two ways about this. I am not just overweight, I am fat. The simple fact is that I gained a lot of weight with my 5 pregnancies (I know y'all are saying WHAT? 5? But you only have 3 kids! - two didn't make it, and please don't tell me you're sorry, it was a long time ago and I'm coping with it). I started doing Weight Watchers a month before I got pregnant with Josie, and I'd lost close to 10 lbs in 4 weeks, which was a step in the right direction - losing it slowly, the healthy way; through diet and exercise. I think I'm going to try and start that back up again. I'm tired of being this big and getting depressed every time I look at clothes in my size. I don't want my kids to be ashamed of their mother around their friends, just because of the way I look. I don't want to be putting my own life at risk because of my weight. I am so unhealthy it's pathetic.

What brought on this realization, you ask? I think about it a lot, but the straw that broke the camel's proverbial back came today. I saw an old friend (Julie C.) out and about in the mall, and I haven't seen her since 1995. She looks terrific - the same as she did in school, but prettier - and I hesitated and didn't say anything to her because I was ashamed of how I looked. The hardest part of all this is going to be getting the exercise in, since I have a 2 year old attached to my hip all day, every day. Before I had her, Jason would watch the older 2 girls and I would speed walk 3 miles at Community Park (we lived within walking distance). He also did not work then, so I had plenty of time to come home from work, give him the kids, and de-stress with my walking and my mp3 player. Now he works and I have no car. =( what to do, short of buying a yoga dvd and attempting it at home?

In other news, we've decided to try a new church - one that has a Saturday service. Tomorrow we're going to try out Northside, and hopefully we'll be happy with it and start going regularly.

As for me, I feel down in the dumps now, even though I had a fan-friggin'-tastic day before I saw my old friend. Now it's time for me to retreat to the den of self-loathing (otherwise known as my bedroom) and re-watch Perfect Strangers in a feeble attempt to cheer myself up. When that doesn't work, I'll pop in my favorite movie of all time (Breakfast at Tiffany's) and snuggle up in my flannel pj's under my down comforter and try to drift into oblivion.

...wow, that came off way more self-pitying than I wanted it to, didn't it? Those are the breaks, kid...