Saturday, January 26, 2008


Did you ever wake up from a dream so vivid and real that, when you opened your eyes to real life, you were disappointed? I mean, the dream itself that I was having wasn't all that great (I was doing laundry!), but what happened was pretty good. In my dream I ran into an old friend from high school (and middle school, for that matter), and she stopped and said hello to me. She told me to call her when I got home, and I said "X, you know I don't have your number." She took my number down and promised to call me when she got home. I don't know why, but that gave me a really good feeling, and when I woke up, I was sorely, sorely disappointed when I woke up and realized it wasn't real. I'm not sure how to interpret that. Of course I realize it means that I'd love to talk to her again (I see her occasionally in passing - we've never even said hello), but I would never call her now because: 1. I don't have her number, and 2. I don't know if communication from me would be welcome. I know some of you are wondering, "Why don't you look her up and find out?" But I did something like that a few years ago, and called some old friends... and I don't think it went so well. They were nice to me on the phone, which I appreciated (no one wants to have the phone slammed in their ear)... but I felt it was awkward and that they didn't really want to hear from me at all - so I'm not open to doing that again.

The sad thing is that now I feel - at the risk of sounding melodramatic - empty, for lack of a better word. I guess that tells me how much I really want to get together with this person, which is sad. If you know me, you know I'm not an especially outgoing person, and I tend to cling to the people I already know. I'm not likely to start making new friends at my age, nor do I have any desire to. I have plenty of "friends" that I talk to regularly on the phone or via email, but live too far away to do anything with. I'm not belittling their friendship in any way whatsoever by posting this - I value them; I love them, and they know it. (*MWAH*) All I'm saying is that there are some people here I miss, and basically I guess I'm too much of a weenie to do anything about it. Ah well.

On to happier things... I cleaned my bathroom last night. Got out an old toothbrush and scrubbed... YES I SCRUBBED WITH A TOOTHBRUSH. Some things from your upbringing you can't change, I suppose. I know it's clean, but now I realize I need grout to fix some things that look ugly, and I need paint for the walls, and I need a new baseboard for the floor... cleaning just makes me realize how very much more there is to do.

...was that happier, or not? I guess not. Sorry for the maudlin post, y'all. It must be hormones. :(